E-Mail Escalations With a CFO
FROM: Audrey Garden (salesperson)
TO: Katherine Birchfield (Chief Financial Officer)
SUBJECT: Looking to save money?
Dear Ms. Birchfield:
The economy isn’t looking so hot. I’m reaching out because your copier lease is up for renewal next quarter and I can offer you some huge savings, and I mean huge, on a new 60 month contract. Would you like to set up a meeting to discuss?
Thank you for considering.
FROM: Audrey Garden (salesperson)
TO: Katherine Birchfield (CFO)
SUBJECT: Looking to save money?
Dear Ms. Birchfield:
Perhaps you didn’t get my email? Anyway, I want to know if you’d like to set up a meeting to discuss how you can save money on your copier lease. Just saying, if you don’t take me up on the offer your company will suffer for it. And then your employees will suffer for that. So, I dunno, I guess the question is: Is that something you want on your conscience?
If you upgrade your devices before the end of the month, I’ll defer your first payment 90 days and throw in 3 months of free toner. Staples as well. We don’t sell paper, but we could. How about this: you tell us the bond you want and we’ll make it work.
Ms. Birchfield, thank you for your consideration.
FROM: Audrey Garden (salesperson)
TO: Katherine Birchfield (CFO)
SUBJECT: Looking to save money?
Dear Ms. Birchfield:
Listen, I’m kind of getting down to the wire here with my boss on the warpath for me to hit quota this month. Please just talk to me for ten minutes. You don’t even have to sign anything! Just take the meeting.
Those stacks of 20lb bond won’t collate themselves...
FROM: Audrey Garden (salesperson)
TO: Katherine Birchfield (CTO)
SUBJECT: Tick, Tok
Hey.
I have your dog. I also have your husband and three kids. I’m holding them hostage until you respond. I don’t have them, actually. But can you imagine?
I’m not above it.
FROM: Audrey Garden (salesperson)
TO: Katherine Birchfield (CFO)
SUBJECT: You Know What To Do
Katherine –
I didn’t want to have to do this, but I can’t risk getting the axe from leadership. I have your dog, your husband and three kids. For real this time. If you agree to jump on a quick call with my manager and me, nothing bad will happen to your loved ones. I promise.
Do we have a deal?
FROM: Audrey Garden (salesperson)
TO: Katherine Birchfield (CFO)
SUBJECT: Re: Hostages
Dear Ms. Birchfield:
I crossed a line, sorry. After giving it some thought, I decided to release your family. I’ve kept the veritable Sparky for emotional support though, don’t hold it against me. Maybe I’ll give him back if we meet up for coffee one day–would love to learn more about your workflow! But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Me. You. Your calendar. A phone call. How are we going to make that happen?
I get it! You wanna talk bribes? I’ll toss in three tickets to the Candlelight Piano Concerto: A Tribute to Radiohead at the Catholic church downtown. Also, my grandmother’s wedding ring. Just throwing that out there.
Whaddaya think?
FROM: Audrey Garden (salesperson)
TO: Katherine Birchfield (CFO)
SUBJECT: Hello, it’s the IRS.
Katherine:
How about instead of the concert tickets, I give you my grandmother’s wedding ring and the entire trust fund that she and her filthy rich husband left to me before they died in a tragic car accident? My kids don’t need to go to college.
O.K., fine, Katherine, I know what you’re thinking: you want me to ruin your ex-husband’s life like he ruined yours. That can be arranged. All it takes is one call…
…between you and me (and probably my manager, so he knows I’m not setting fake appointments).
FROM: Audrey Garden (salesperson)
TO: Katherine Birchfield (CFO)
SUBJECT: Still the IRS.
Kate:
I’m sorry for all the emails in the last 20 minutes. We're all adults here, so let's act mature about this. I know you just spent $147,000 on a Porsche Macan. With the divorce and all, your wallet must be hurting. Don't be a hero. Take the ring. Take the trust fund. Take my call.
Does 10am ET on Friday work, or would 10:30am ET be better? Or maybe 10:45am ET? Should I give you a call, or do you want to call me directly? Just let me know!
FROM: Audrey Garden (salesperson)
TO: Katherine Birchfield (CFO)
SUBJECT: You think the other firms are pulling this crap?
Hey, jerk, shopping around, huh? Is this some kind of psychotic stunt? You think you're better than me because you work at the biggest law firm in DC? You're not fooling anyone. I stalked your Twitter. I know what you were for Halloween back in 2008. The photos don't lie.
Should I give your old boss at the Daily Mail a call?
FROM: Audrey Garden (salesperson)
TO: Katherine Birchfield (CFO)
SUBJECT: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Fine, don’t respond. You’re a lame CFO. You hate saving money. I don’t need you. You mean nothing to me. Never mind. I desperately need you. Please email me back.
FROM: Katherine Birchfield (CFO)
TO: Audrey Garden (salesperson)
SUBJECT: Re: Looking to save money?
Hi there – this is an automated message to let you know that after 30 years with the firm, Katherine Birchfield entered into retirement in April, 2020. Please direct all inquiries to info@law.com. Thank you.
PS: Drop dead.
